I try not to think about it. Not on purpose. I see it on the calendar, I know it’s coming. But I don’t allow myself to go there… Then it all happens so innocently, so quickly. The doubt and the fear start to creep in. The “what ifs” start to take over. I tell myself not to think that way…stay positive…positive affirmations…blah, blah, blah. But fear is a horrible, mind strangling thing that feels like it has a life of it’s own.
So then, let’s just try to stick to the facts…
My five year old has a TON of food allergies and EoE. He’s had two anaphylactic reactions due to his severe dairy allergy and stopped eating for two weeks due to the inflammation the EoE was causing his esophagus. He’s now been on steroids for three months and also had four additional foods taken out of his already very limited diet to hopefully get the EoE under control.
In two days we go back to the hospital to have another endoscopy done. After testing for many other food allergies his allergist suggests that if this test shows no improvements, then wheat will be the next food taken out of his diet.
And there it is…the fear.
It just creeps in…and takes control.
Do I allow myself to think “what the hell else is there for my child to eat”??? Do I allow myself to just dip my toes into the pool of worry, self pity, and fear??? Because if I do, is there a slight chance that all of those “thoughts are things” crap could be true?? And if they are, am I harming him by allowing myself to think it??? Ugh, that’s just too much guilt. too, too much.
So let’s try this instead… Let’s think about getting a much improved result. Let’s force myself to feel that incredible feeling of relief. I want to feel that happiness of calling my family and updating my status and saying out loud “He’s all better. We can stop the steroids”. I want to know what THAT feels like. Forget dipping…I want to plunge into that pool of happiness. I want to put all of this behind me and just sit back and smile.
Who’s with me???